"Hey guys!" Morning greeting. Check. Hugs. Check. First bell. There it goes. So now I'm sitting in my Algebra 2 class, happy and full of energy. I'm getting good grades, I've got new friends and nothing bad is going on. I see everyone mingling, laughter filling the air. My teacher nods her head softly, listening attentively to everything a student says, no words cutting him off. I feel safe, protected. I'm in a place I really want to be. Ah, life is perfect. Not.
Yes, of course I'm lying when I say life is perfect. It never will be because something always comes around to mess it up. But that's not the point. The point is that morning I just told you about. Ya, that doesn't exist. Period. I would like to say that's the case. That the student body is whole, that no ones getting hurt, physically or emotionally, that everything is just dandy, but I can't.
Why? Because I come to school knowing it's going to be another day where I sit at my desk, sleep deprived and bored, waiting for my teacher to surprise me with something or another. Because I'm staying up late at night to do my homework and then get up at 5:30 in the morning to get ready. I'm not in Algebra 2 because being the smart one I was, I failed, so instead, I still in Geometry for my second year. It's not like it was my fault in the first place. I tried, honest, but some teachers just can't teach. That and, I cared more about my grade, then actually learning the material.
Ah, middle school, when everything was so simple. When I could procrastinate till the last second and still pass the class. When I didn't care about the face that stared me down when I looked into the mirror. When school was school and not a place to be scared of or a place to hook up.
Now a days, looking in the mirror I see me. Me with panda eyes, bags covered up with make-up. Hair tied back, fringe falling messily in my eyes because, quite frankly, I'm too tired to care about doing anything more then brushing it. Quick breakfast and my mom is rushing me out the door while I gulp down my medicine.
I walk into to school, ear buds firmly attached to my ears because I want to drown out the noise because I'm jealous. Jealous that I ended up so awkward while others can make friends like that. Jealous that I can be totally unstressed about a test but then I'm to shy to start a conversation with someone else. But I shouldn't be feeling like this because the student body is like a shattered mirror. The groups, each a shard that flew off.
But I need to be thankful. I still have some friends and I'm not the subject of harassment. I'm not standing in a torture chamber so everything is going fairly well. That's the truth because things are looking up for me again. Because I have a story.
I'm a student. I consider myself lucky. Because I never reached a point where you could think, "It's the point of no return. I'm not depressed, I don't cut myself and I'm not even thinking about suicide. I'm not like that, I'm staying strong and happy, where many fall because they have been pushed. Pushed of the cliff.
I'll tell you a little something. I've sat, ear filled with metal and rock music, trying to block out the voices. I sat unwillingly listening to the fights. I've locked myself in my room, crying alone and cursing at the wall. Wished that I wasn't such a coward and could have done something earlier.
I'm just a student. It's a lot harder to be a student then to be a teenager. You have expectations set for you by others, you care more about the grades then the learning, you have peers presuring you. The people you hang out with groups you, making it hard to get a second glance to come your way.
I'm just a student. But I consider myself to be a lucky student. I'm have decent grades and great friends. I don't have a guy, but that's okay. I can admit, chances of getting a guy are pretty slim but at least I'm not with a jerk.
With school, you need to look deeper. You can't believe everything you are told and you can't believe the outside shell. Things are different then what they really seem. School and the educational system are no exceptions.
-Timmii
So this is the second version oif my post. I posted the old one and then read it over and didn't like it.
To see the original post click here
Hey Timmii,
ReplyDeleteYour post was great and your first one was already phenomenal to begin with.
I can totally relate to the frustration of being timid.
A force of discouragement slips slowly dominates your body and prevents you from talking, stepping, or waving.
Jealously settles at the bottom of your heart, and boils whether or not you are conscious of it at all.
Crying yourself to sleep or staring endlessly at the ceiling.An unbearable silence allows you to feel the Earth's suffering and essentially your own pain.
All alone you walk down the chambers of your heart, walking deeper and deeper with in. Doors are opened, further down the doors only brings pain and hatred.
Tears mixed with anger and frustration accumulate in the sacs of your eyes ready to overflow on the rims of our eyes.
It's not like you intended to cry.
They drop one by one, burning, stinging, and piercing your cheeks with the water of that one repeating memory.
In the dark abyss shines a faint light. A voices echos through out your head, slowly returning the light into your eyes. Doors close and soon things are set just like before...
That voice is another side of yourself and the light,
is a reminder of the presence of your soul.
It is constantly fixated by emotions...
Timmii, don't let these emotions or feelings prevent you from doing anything you want. I have the same problem (and yes, I might of exaggerated, well at least that's how I really feel) and still haven't gotten rid of this habit. This process of having to co-exist with these emotions, pain, and situations are just mere parts of everyday life.
You must control emotions/ sentiments as if you were dealing with plants. Just like plants, you must care for them with much patience.
Here think of it this way..., the plant is yourself and it feeds on the emotions you feel. It can not be fully spoiled with the emotion, nor consume nothing at all either. Find the balance between them,and things are sure to go better that way...
At least that's how I think of it...
-Rebecca