All I Do

Timmii

Have you ever sat in a car and feared for your life? I have. I fear every time my mother fights with my brother. Every time my parents fight each other. And all I can do is sit in the back and hope to get out alive. Obviously life has been very kind to me as I'm still walking and breathing with no accidents under my belt as a result of stupid fights. Yes, I call them stupid. But maybe it's not so stupid to them. But it's not very fair for me to be dragged into their problems.

"Why are asking me?" "What does this have to do with me?" "Shut the [insert curse word] up!"

In my mind. It's the same things that go through my mind. Curses, pleas, wants. But none of them are said. Why? Because, I don't want a broken family. I don't want tears. But then again, I don't want fighting. So I probably should speak up. Because I'm an outside party. I can read past the anger. And can see both sides.

"I'm sorry, sweetie." "It's her/his fault." I don't give a flying crap who's fault it is or if your sorry. I want you to fix the problem because if I keep having to listen to all this I will snap.

Give them time is all I do. I wait. And wait. And I wait. And I hope that sometime better will come out because that's what I do. I wait and hope.

A Contradictory Species

Timmii

Friends. Not a topic that I would normally write about but I was thinking. It was today at lunch. I was hanging out with some of my friends, talking and laughing and being weird like normal. But, then the topic of someone else I know, and old friend of one of my friends. They were close. Not like best friends but certain not like acquaintances. They were friends either way.

So then why am I questioning the bond of friendship? Because it throws me off, makes me wonder. Are some of us really friends? Would you talk behind my back? Turn on me in a fight? Because if I can be talking and then the topic of someone's old friend comes up and they can just so easily badmouth them, why wouldn't it be hard for you? How am I to know that you're really my friend? Why do I trust you?

I can't answer these questions. I can only ask them. But really, why trust?

I normally think of people as beings who test the limits. And not always in a good way. We test friendship, trust, love. And it is because of this, we hurt. Yet even knowing this, even experiencing this, we still move forward over the crumbling bridge that might collapse under us, because yes, we are stupid. Because yes, we don't know our boundaries. Because yes, we make mistakes. Because, we aren't perfect. We make mistakes but we get up and try again.

We are smart, but we are stupid. We are wary but we trust. We make up rules that we break. We push beliefs on others, but we don't even follow ourselves. There are those who believe of a high power, so why are there those who try to play god.

I am atheist, I don't believe in God, in a higher power. I don't believe, no matter how hard we try, that we can be perfect. We can't live in a utopia. We can't stop war. Trust and betrayal, peace and war. They are a part of life. Friends and enemies. Protectors and back stabbers. We live with them. We trust them. We love them. And we, are hurt by them.

This is why I question. This is why I wait for answers that will never come.

Humans. We are a contradictory species.

Through the Years

Timmii

It's your very first hours
Not even a day old
Your eyes a close shut
and your cries uphold

You've grown up slightly
At a mere age of five
Life is unbeatable
Not a worry under the sky

Now you're nine years old
And you pray to your god
For he is your leader
He is your all

Three years later
And  you've lost all that fact
Cold fact hits hard
Nothing you're used to

You're eyes are hard
Defiance in your stance
Cause you're sixteen
And fighting to get free

Standing outside
In your own little world
You're nineteen and counting
All lone in the world

Twenty three and life couldn't be better
You've got a job
You've got a lover
You couldn't be freer

You've counted the years
Now you stand at thirty
A wife and kids
Not to mention the house

You're starting to understand
'Cause you're thirty five and accepting
The pain of your parents
For you and your brother

Fourty eight and your first kid's off to college
The fear and the reluctance
But you stand there and wave
A last goodbye for their first college days

You're now in your fifties
But you're happy as can be
With bright, loving children
And understanding parents

You're sixty three and still strong and alive
You're in a competition
With you're parents in life
Because three grandchildren need attention and love

Seventy six and here you're still counting
Watching through the window
With warm bright eyes
Waiting to catch one of those smiles

You're mother and father are old
But still quiet happy
You fear they'll leave soon
After you're happy eighty fourth birthday

Ninety two with five beautiful grand children
They come visit often
For some great grandmother chocolate
And grandfather played music

A hundred and one
You can feel you're breath slip away
It's time for you to go now
Where your spouse awaits

P.S. We were  talking about beatings earlier in class. I just want to say that I'm perfectly okay and nothing too bad has happened despite what I said. I was going to start talking about how it was probably the affect of my grandparents but I never got there n-n;;